This post is more for me than anyone else. There will be times in the very near future I am sure that I will need to come back to this post and read my resolve and be reminded of how I choose to handle this situation, and putting it out there for the world to see somehow makes me more accountable because I can't hide behind my feelings if they aren't hidden. It is official. Bed Rest. I have been living in denial of this moment for a long time. I don't know why I thought that it wasn't going to happen, although, my doctor has been telling me for quite some time that it was going to. But, alas, we have reached that glorious (or not so glorious) point. I had a mini-breakdown earlier this week (to James, of course) wherein I realized the fact that I this bed rest is probably more needed than I would like to acknowledge. He just listened, and smiled, and inside his head wondered "will my wife ever return, and will this CRAZY lady ever leave?" There have been several things that have occurred in the past few weeks that have helped me realize this fact, some of the highlights being, me falling down the stairs, catching a flu bug after venturing out into the public world, passing out in the laboratory bathroom because "I'm a big girl and I can do it all by myself," and not to mention the pain that takes over my body after seemingly short bouts of housecleaning or grocery shopping. I don't mean to sound like a complainer - believe me, I've spent more time worrying about sounding that way than anyone would like to know. So, I would like to say this: Being pregnant is not fun, it hurts, and it's miserable at times. I would also like to say this: Being pregnant is a wonderful blessing, and I am doubly blessed with the joy of two babies at once. It is miraculous and humbling, and exciting and inspiring. I have had to make the distinction between these two statements, because for some reason, I have believed that this "wonderful" thing called pregnancy is to be wonderful in all aspects. Well, I have been disappointed to learn that it isn't pleasant, or fun, or always joyous, but out of many challenging experiences come great things. So, from all of this, I am embracing my bed rest state. I am taking the challenge, because to me, it is a great one to be confined to my house or anywhere for that matter, and making the best of it. I am not going to cry anymore about how gross I feel or how much it hurts, but I am also not going to pretend that I don't feel that way at times. I am going to acknowledge it and choose to be happy that I have the opportunity to experience all of this for my story. One day I will reach back and pull something from this experience that will help me or someone else through something. I could go on and on but the grammatical incorrectness of this is already making me itch. So, I am choosing to look forward to my bed rest. I have already created a long list of things that I would like to accomplish while I'm down. Some of these are things that I have had on my list for a long time, some are things to prepare for the babies, some are things that I want to do for fun, some are things that I am almost certain that I would never take the time to do otherwise. I have had several people say to me "Oh, I would love to have a few months of free time to do whatever I wanted, I would get so much done." I am going to fight the urge to punch you in the face and say "you don't know what it's like," and actually take that opportunity that so many others wish they had. So there. HA HA. I am going to get my paperwork and my junk drawers organized. I am going to finally do something with all of those pictures I have taking up space on my hard drive, and I am going to read those books, and I am going to enjoy it. I'm going to rest, and take care of myself and my babies because that is my job, and I am not going to feel bad about it <---- this is the part I am really going to focus on, because forces out there in the universe are determined to make me feel bad for doing the right thing, and I am not going to let them get me down. Ok, got that out. Feel better about that. Now to set a reminder in my phone to read this at least twice a day to remind myself of all of it...
I have had so many awesome people ask me what I need...(love all of you), and right now I must give a shout-out to my fabulous husband, James. He is so good to me. He cooks, he cleans, he does laundry, he shops, he entertains, and he provides me with such amazing emotional support. I couldn't do this without him. As hard as it is for me to admit this, (really hard) one of the hardest things about all of this has been being home alone all day. I mean, Lucy does her share of talking, but after a while, even she gets bored talking to me. So, if you happen to be on my side of the earth and want to stop by, I wouldn't protest. Plus, there is no charge to look at the lady with the giant moving belly.
I am happy though. I am having two babies! It still is the funniest thing ever to me, but I am so excited. I can't wait to see them and hold them and figure out their little personalities and take on the tremendous challenge and blessing of motherhood. I am in for the ride of my life and I am so excited to take it on. I am ready to be busy, and exhausted, and tired, and frustrated and all of those things that come with it because I know that I am about to experience great joy, and one (or two, rather) of the greatest gifts that God could ever give me, so give me all the crap that comes with it - it's all I've ever wanted.
